Getting There is only 1/2 the Battle

Perhaps I am picky. And I by no means want to be mean, for that reason I am putting out a disclaimer. This is an actual verbatim quote written by a bride on the afterthoughts of her wedding. I am not going to put where I saw it or who wrote it but I thought it was a bit much. Maybe it's just me but if these were the thoughts AFTER a terrific wedding, what was it like for all those around during the planning. Hopefully, she takes it all in stride and we're just missing that emotion because it's in writing. Hopefully.

1. I got my eyebrows waxed the day before my wedding on a whim. Big no-no, as I conveniently forgot that I was using Retin-A micro for my acne, and I got a huge-ass burn/scar in between my eyes. Major freak out here - I had a huge ass red scar smack in the middle of my face! Well the upper-middle of my face anyhow. Anyway, I was saved by the miracle of makeup. You couldn’t see it unless you got super close to me and were looking for it.

2. Two bridesmaids left their bride-issued footwear in miscellaneous places, resulting in one wearing flip flops in many of the portraits and the other wearing chocolate brown satin heels instead of my regulatory gold-strappy sandals - no biggie - on the day of the wedding I miraculously became a go-with-the-flow kinda gal.

3. The limo incident - the limo was very late picking up the boys, following an incident with the law and breaking into the limo garage. The driver was dressed like a skank (for a limo driver professional anyhow) and rude.

4. My aunt didn’t follow my detailed step-by-step breakdown of the flowers. The centerpieces were not in accordance with the bloom to branch ratio that I had envisioned. Many-a-thing was improvised NOT according to my plan - I had a split-second bridezilla moment, but then made a conscious decision not to be pissed until after the wedding was long over.

5. The hubby forgot to get a guestbook as I had previously assigned to be one of his only duties - he had to run to get one before the ceremony.

6. The favors were left behind and someone had to be called to rush to get the favors during the ceremony, and our coordinator was rushing to set them up during the reception.

7. My uncle got into a motor vehicle accident while turning into the ceremony venue - it was his fault.

8. One of my cousins decided it would be a good idea to dress as a skank to come to my wedding.

9. It was hot! The hubs was sweating like a pig! The minister joked about it being due to nerves, so it ended up being kind of cute instead of plain gross.

10. The aisle runner was left out at the ceremony site during the reception and it decided to monsoon. I had to dry out the runner in my garage for several days before it was dry enough to send back to the linen company.

11. During the “interview” portion of the wedding video footage, my mind went blank! The hubs, however, managed to pull out some really romantic stuff out of his ass at the last moment, making me look really bad. Bastard!

12. We tried to cut the cake together unsuccessfully - we accidentally cut into the faux Styrofoam layer upon the advice of someone (I don’t remember who) - they thought it was the 4th tier, but it actually the 3rd tier, which we happened to attempt to cut into. Makes for a funny story I suppose.

13. I almost couldn’t zip up my cake dress during the 1st reception (the short ABS dress) - I ate too much during the reception and forgot about how form fitting my second dress was. The food was THAT good!

14. I got my period the day before the wedding. I knew I forgot something - to start taking BC to regulate when my period was gonna be. As such, I was forced to wear big ugly undergarments under my ivory gown - big ol’ sexy spanx and boyshorts - hot, huh?

That’s all I can remember for now. I can’t wait to see my wedding video, whenever that happens to come in!